Zoe Ann

Growing up in California, we had few relatives closeby. My mom's brother lived about 30 minutes away, and gratefully my maternal grandparents lived just 10 minutes away. But all other cousins, aunts, uncles, and grandparents lived elsewhere -- most of them in Utah. About once a year or so, we would drive the lonely pavement that is Interstate 80 between San Francisco and Salt Lake City.

The trips to Utah were filled with lots of Reeder cousins and generally we would also visit with my Aunt Debi, my mom's much younger sister, and her children. But, since my mother found the Church as a teenager and brought her immediate family in with her, I always assumed that there were no other LDS relatives other than those on the Reeder side. And due to the fact that we lived far from them coupled with the different approach to life, we knew almost none of my mother's extended family.

Then, while I was off in Japan serving a mission, my parents decided that after 30 years in California, it was time to move to Utah, to be near their aging parents (my mom's folks had moved to Utah in 1990 to be near my Aunt Debi -- whose children were younger than my siblings and I.) All of a sudden there was much talk about my mother's cousin Ken. Ken and Zoe Ann lived with their children -- all about the ages of me and my siblings, in Utah and had raised their family there. They were also members of the Church and involved in many of the same things my sisters and I were involved with. So why was I just hearing about these cousins now?

After my parents moved to Utah, we were all kind of thrown together. It was awkward at best. These cousins really didn't know us, they were unaware of our background and upbringing, and there were lots of things that were assumed about each other -- things that just weren't right or correct. But we all kept meeting up socially, until finally everyone was married and we'd all gone our separate ways and we stopped getting together anymore.

A few years ago, I started to think about one of these "cousins." Michelle, the third child like me -- and just 2 years my senior, has children the ages of some of mine, and has many of the same interests and likes that I do. I decided I would reach out to her through our blogs. I decided that I didn't like the weirdness of years past and that I wanted to bridge that gap. Michelle is actually my second cousin (because my mom and her dad are first cousins), but in many ways she felt more like a long distance friend or penpal. Nevertheless, we worked on forging a new bond. Within that new friendship, I realized that in that time when we were all young adults, and just getting to know each other, I had never given her or her siblings a chance to be liked by me on their own terms. I realized that I had put burrs out and not been as kind or genuine as I should have been. Instead of letting them assume things about my family, I could have opened up and given them an honest take on my family. But I didn't. Michelle took my hand of friendship anyway.

Over the past four weeks, I have been reading Michelle's blog and getting updates from my grandparents and parents about the condition of Michelle's mom -- who was just recently diagnosed with a form of liver cancer. She passed away early Sunday morning -- so soon, too soon after her diagnosis. I can't even imagine losing my own mother at this time in my life -- and her mother was younger than my own. During the past four weeks or so, since I've been aware of Zoe Ann's illness, I've taken the time to reflect on past memories of her -- all of them good.

When Zoe Ann found out that I was already in Utah working and waiting for my parents to move, she called me and insisted that I come stay with she and Ken. On that occasion she took me out into her garden and we spoke about the things that grow well in Utah -- which seemed positively arid to me compared to California. Also at that time, I remember walking out into a red barn on the property. Inside the walls of the barn, dozens of her younger daughter Ruth's friends had signed their names and written messages to Ruth. Zoe Ann told me about her youngest daughter (who was off studying abroad at the time) and I could tell that this was a mom in love with her kids.

Zoe Ann was at my wedding and was the ONLY person to send flowers to me after I had my first child -- who was born way too early. Zoe Ann went out and chose THE PERFECT outfit for my tiny daughter. As soon as she was home, I dressed Emma in the darling, little outfit and had her portrait taken in it. I carefully saved it and subsequently dressed each newborn daughter in that cherished, little garment that Zoe Ann had so graciously chosen for Emma.

As the years passed by, Zoe continued to remember each new baby with a special gift -- even sending something uniquely "boy" for John. She was always thoughtful and kind to me. She showed none of the reservations that I had harbored at being assimilated in with this "new family." She took me right in. I am so thankful to have known her. And now only wish I could have known her more.

(For a beautifully written eulogy of their mother, check out Michelle's or Ruth's blogs.)

The Answer is an Emphatic, "Yes!"

I saw this on my friend, Tiffany's blog. It bears repeating. I have often prayed for things that did not come about the way I wanted them to, but upon reflection could see, without doubt, the Lord's tender mercies in my life and the blessings overflowing. I am so grateful for this knowledge.

Girl for Sale

Very pretty. Talks a lot and well for her age. Smart. Mean and fierce. Probably good in a street fight, as she has the intensity of a rabid chimpanzee. Will discuss reasonable offers; like a bag of magic beans for instance.

No Really, Just Friends

In the past few days, I've reconnected with a former missionary companion. Stephanie Haws and I were companions in Ibaraki, Japan back in the Spring of 1995. We spent three months together, even weathering an earthquake (the 7.1 Kobe quake) and Haws Shimai was my last companion before I returned home. Our district was actually pretty tight -- 4 elders and 2 sisters. We worked well together and had some great successes. We were much like a family.

Because I grew up in a family of all girls -- my first experience having brothers was on the mission. I had dated a lot pre-mission and had some guy friends, but those experiences were completely different from the "brothers" I had on the mission. Having this brother relationship was very eye-opening and cathartic for me. I loved it! I learned how to relax around the opposite sex and to understand a lot better how the male mind works -- completely free from the constraints and obvious attachments that are part of male/female relationships where attraction and flirtation are involved. I can honestly say that I was never attracted to, nor felt the slightest desire to have a relationship other than elder/sister or brother/sister with the elders I served with. That's right -- NONE. It was just great to have brothers. Brothers who fixed my bike for me, appreciated my attempts at Western cooking in an Eastern country, who made fun of my bike-riding antics, and who snapped hideous photos of me and then used them to tease and make fun of me. All very brotherly behavior.

So, in reconnecting with Haws Shimai, I am reminded of the weirdness of meeting up with some of my former "brothers" post-mission. Even though a lot of them acted the same toward me, others interpreted friendliness on my part much differently. While still on the mission, two of the elders, Haws and myself, had concocted a plan to go to each other's homecomings. Well I was the first to return, so none of them came to mine, obviously. But when I went to the next returning's homecoming, people were weird. It was icky. I couldn't understand it. I tried to explain to people -- "He and his comp used to call me 'beast' after a ridiculous comment I made one day. We all used to play volleyball on Fridays with our investigators and he and his comp would make fun of the way I would hit the ball, or rather the way the ball would hit me. I used to make fun of his skinny legs and loud breathing in district meetings." It didn't matter... no one wanted to hear it. So, I stopped keeping in touch with people from my mission. I went away. Which, of course, was easy enough to do because I got married and started having kids and that takes lots of time in and of itself.

But I just want to say, that those brothers and sisters -- that family I made as a missionary, they were great. We had some fun times and I learned so much from them. And I am grateful that for a year and half, I got to have brothers -- who were my friends and never more than that.

Rally Court

Do you ever get bugged that things aren't going your way and kinda get frustrated and then you look around and you realize how incredibly blessed you are and you just start seeing all the Lord's tender mercies in your life and how you have NO REASON WHATSOEVER to ever complain and you realize that you are so happy despite your previous frustration and then you notice that birds with very active digestive tracts defiled some of the second story windows on the house you're trying to sell? Yeah, me neither.

So, are you done?

I’m not at all embarrassed to admit that I always wanted to be a mom. Sometimes, it feels like making this admission causes people to believe that that is all I ever wanted out of life – which is patently false. But, being a mom was always a top priority for me. So, I find it odd that so many people think that I should be emphatically resolute about being done with having babies. But I want to say, for posterity’s sake, and even to shout from the rooftops – that ALL women do not feel the same about closing the childbearing chapter of their lives.

I am not afraid to tell you that I love babies. I do. I love to hold them; bathe them; feed them. I love watching the affect that a newborn sibling has on his or her older siblings. And each one of my kids has brought something new to the family that we would not be the same without. Fortunately, I rebound quickly after having babies and I have easy, sweet babies. But even the hardest of the lot, I would gladly have all over again – no question.

So, making the choice to not have any more children join our family was/is not a choice made with the thought of, “I’m glad I don’t have to do that again.” No, for me (us) it has been more a realization that some of our children have needs that can be quite overwhelming and that, coupled with sheer numbers, adds up to a lot of work. Work that I am thrilled to be able to do, but a full load nonetheless. The last couple of newborns have been dragged around a lot and did not get the luxury of solid schedules and naptimes like their older siblings. Plus, add to that the myriad activities and adventures that a family just can’t do with a newborn in tow – and you realize that someone has to be the last.

Let’s also discuss age. No really, let’s. The last time I looked in the mirror, my 25 year old face had been replaced with a more careworn version of its former self. Pregnancy is funny for me in that the pregnancies get more uncomfortable the older I get, but the deliveries get faster and easier. I don’t want to be sixty with a kid finishing high school. I’d like to have some time with Daniel.

But all of the “reasons” aside, we decided we would be done. So we are. But don’t ask me if I’m glad. Don’t expect me to answer this question for you with a jubilant smile on my face. No, being done for me means mourning the passing of a great time in my life. A time when I got to walk hand in hand with the great Father of us all – trusting in His wisdom and care – and bring an amazing Spirit into this mortal life. To not participate in that miracle again, while in this life, is difficult for me. But I am so thankful for the people He did send and for the chance to continue in my great role as mom. And I hope that I will do a good enough job, that the children I am raising will see the incredible joy that being a parent brings, and bless my life with grandchildren.

I shouldn't laugh but....

My cousin posted this on her facebook. It's pretty funny...

Here's one of my favorites: