Geico Guy...I'm right behind ya!

Lately it seems I've been living in a cave. I walk around in all stages of undress because I never know when I'll be required to nurse again. It also seems like time is moving inside a jello mold. Sometimes the jello is melting on a neglected picnic table at a mediocre BBQ. Other times it feels like I'm in the jello that got frozen because it was pushed too far back in the fridge. I can't seem to get over several mental hurdles and yet in other ways I feel the happiest I've ever been. Postpardum psychosis? You decide. It has been my way to want to fix everything bugging me RIGHT NOW so that I can move on. But, I'm starting to think that the lesson I need to learn this time is that I can't fix everything and that I need to not try, just accept. I can't believe how much there always is to do and yet somehow, I feel like I need to stop caring and doing so much and just try to enjoy the moments of my life.

Selfishly, or maybe not so; I really want to get back to the gym -- partly to get back in shape, but also just to have a little time everyday that's just for me, just my thoughts, just my time. There is definitly a correlation between my desire and willingness to do things for others and getting to invest a little time everyday in me. A strange thing happened to me a few weeks ago which has really magnified some of these observations. I read my patriarchal blessing again for the first time in over a year. For the first time ever, I realized that my blessing seems almost abbreviated -- basically ending after I have children. It made me think that perhaps the Lord was preparing me for an abbreviated life. Of course, I've always figured I would outlive my husband and be a ripe old age when they buried me. But, perhaps not. I can't seem to shake the feeling that I need to double my efforts to make sure that my life is in order. Every morning I wake up with the song "Live Like You Were Dying" in my head. I don't feel like death is imminent, just that I need to be more prepared. I doubt I'll be spending much time on a bull named Fu Man Chyu. Possibly though, I need to let the hypersensitive control freak natural me die -- and that's the lesson the Lord is trying to teach. All I know is I need to do better, but relax at the same time. Hence, jello. Not the best dessert ever, but sweet and refreshing on a hot summer day, nevertheless.