The Second Cut is Actually the Deepest

I've been meaning to blog about this for a while now. But since adding baby John to my menagerie, people around me seem to be more overwhelmed by our numbers than ever before. I am so frequently asked "how I do it" that I don't even respond anymore. My lack of response should not be misinterpreted as being snotty or complacent. Instead, the question is so familiar -- it simply is not processed any longer. And in part, because the truth is never accepted when I do answer.

Because you know what? The truth is quite simply that the first 2 are the hardest. I'm sure there are many who read (or hear) my words and think I'm loony. It's true, I walk a little on the wild side, but let me explain.

When you have your first child, you make a large adjustment -- both as a woman experiencing all the crazy body changes of pregnancy, delivery, and breast-feeding; but also, if you choose to stay home with your child, you experience a huge adjustment period transitioning from the working environment to the home environment. All of a sudden you are at the beck and call of a small creature. Your life is no longer your own. You can't take an hour for lunch -- sometimes 15 minutes is too much to ask for. Unlike work, you can't shut out your baby like you could shut your office door, or choose not to answer cries like you could choose to not answer your phone. Crying babies must be held. Out goes most of your wants and needs and time and you adjust to caring for another person ALL THE TIME! This change affects couples too. Instead of being able to go out together whenever it works for the both of you -- all of sudden someone else trumps everything in all ways. After awhile though, you all learn to work this out. You stop missing your old life at work so much, and you start to get into the mommy role. It just takes time. Mommies don't just appear -- they become...they evolve. And you learn to love another person in a way that you never loved before.

Then, you forget how crazy all that adjustment was. Your memory fades of childbirth and sleeplessness. You think how great it would be if your little one had a sibling. You only remember how cute your first baby was, all the demands of a newborn are forgotten. And so, number 2 comes along. And whoa...what have we here? All of a sudden, your oldest child -- the one you just spent the last 2, or 3, or 4 years protecting from every other creature on Earth, becomes the biggest threat to the new baby. #1 hugs #2 a little too hard, or stops napping, or starts wetting the bed. How can this be? How can you go from someone who is totally on top of things and understands the oldest child -- to someone prone to yelling "No, no" -- A LOT! It's frustrating to be that someone who feels like she accomplished so much when a shower happens before noon. And how in the world will you ever love another as much as you loved (LOVE!) the first? But time passes and you figure out the balance and you learn how to do it all for both #1 and #2 and you learn to love even more as your heart expands again.

So here's the real secret: Once you get past the adjustment period and you learn to do for more than one child, adding more into the picture is not so hard. You've already learned how to juggle needs, and you've disabused yourself (and everyone around you) of the notion of "me" time. Furthermore, let me just add that older children are very helpful as the brood grows and negotiating with a 4 year old (or older) is way easier than when there is only a 2 or 3 year old who still needs so much help with all the day to day stuff and still has lots of needs.

So, there you have it. The truth is: The first 2 are the hardest. After that, it's much easier. The adjustments have been made. The only real change is that with each child, your heart grows to fit them in and you find yourself saying dreamily to your spouse, "How did we ever do without this one?" And you know what? You really mean it.