Zoe Ann

Growing up in California, we had few relatives closeby. My mom's brother lived about 30 minutes away, and gratefully my maternal grandparents lived just 10 minutes away. But all other cousins, aunts, uncles, and grandparents lived elsewhere -- most of them in Utah. About once a year or so, we would drive the lonely pavement that is Interstate 80 between San Francisco and Salt Lake City.

The trips to Utah were filled with lots of Reeder cousins and generally we would also visit with my Aunt Debi, my mom's much younger sister, and her children. But, since my mother found the Church as a teenager and brought her immediate family in with her, I always assumed that there were no other LDS relatives other than those on the Reeder side. And due to the fact that we lived far from them coupled with the different approach to life, we knew almost none of my mother's extended family.

Then, while I was off in Japan serving a mission, my parents decided that after 30 years in California, it was time to move to Utah, to be near their aging parents (my mom's folks had moved to Utah in 1990 to be near my Aunt Debi -- whose children were younger than my siblings and I.) All of a sudden there was much talk about my mother's cousin Ken. Ken and Zoe Ann lived with their children -- all about the ages of me and my siblings, in Utah and had raised their family there. They were also members of the Church and involved in many of the same things my sisters and I were involved with. So why was I just hearing about these cousins now?

After my parents moved to Utah, we were all kind of thrown together. It was awkward at best. These cousins really didn't know us, they were unaware of our background and upbringing, and there were lots of things that were assumed about each other -- things that just weren't right or correct. But we all kept meeting up socially, until finally everyone was married and we'd all gone our separate ways and we stopped getting together anymore.

A few years ago, I started to think about one of these "cousins." Michelle, the third child like me -- and just 2 years my senior, has children the ages of some of mine, and has many of the same interests and likes that I do. I decided I would reach out to her through our blogs. I decided that I didn't like the weirdness of years past and that I wanted to bridge that gap. Michelle is actually my second cousin (because my mom and her dad are first cousins), but in many ways she felt more like a long distance friend or penpal. Nevertheless, we worked on forging a new bond. Within that new friendship, I realized that in that time when we were all young adults, and just getting to know each other, I had never given her or her siblings a chance to be liked by me on their own terms. I realized that I had put burrs out and not been as kind or genuine as I should have been. Instead of letting them assume things about my family, I could have opened up and given them an honest take on my family. But I didn't. Michelle took my hand of friendship anyway.

Over the past four weeks, I have been reading Michelle's blog and getting updates from my grandparents and parents about the condition of Michelle's mom -- who was just recently diagnosed with a form of liver cancer. She passed away early Sunday morning -- so soon, too soon after her diagnosis. I can't even imagine losing my own mother at this time in my life -- and her mother was younger than my own. During the past four weeks or so, since I've been aware of Zoe Ann's illness, I've taken the time to reflect on past memories of her -- all of them good.

When Zoe Ann found out that I was already in Utah working and waiting for my parents to move, she called me and insisted that I come stay with she and Ken. On that occasion she took me out into her garden and we spoke about the things that grow well in Utah -- which seemed positively arid to me compared to California. Also at that time, I remember walking out into a red barn on the property. Inside the walls of the barn, dozens of her younger daughter Ruth's friends had signed their names and written messages to Ruth. Zoe Ann told me about her youngest daughter (who was off studying abroad at the time) and I could tell that this was a mom in love with her kids.

Zoe Ann was at my wedding and was the ONLY person to send flowers to me after I had my first child -- who was born way too early. Zoe Ann went out and chose THE PERFECT outfit for my tiny daughter. As soon as she was home, I dressed Emma in the darling, little outfit and had her portrait taken in it. I carefully saved it and subsequently dressed each newborn daughter in that cherished, little garment that Zoe Ann had so graciously chosen for Emma.

As the years passed by, Zoe continued to remember each new baby with a special gift -- even sending something uniquely "boy" for John. She was always thoughtful and kind to me. She showed none of the reservations that I had harbored at being assimilated in with this "new family." She took me right in. I am so thankful to have known her. And now only wish I could have known her more.

(For a beautifully written eulogy of their mother, check out Michelle's or Ruth's blogs.)