Preemie Etiquette

I read recently that more and more micro preemies are being saved than ever before. A micro preemie is a baby born before 28 weeks gestation. Emma was born at 23 weeks, still one of the smallest micro preemies ever saved. She weighed 1 lb. 5 oz. and was 13 5/8 inches long. Have you known me a long time and never seen a picture of her at birth? There's a reason for this. For many mothers of babies born very early, the birth of these special children becomes an almost spiritual or sacred experience. Because a whole life time worth of lessons is learned while your child is hospitalized, you come to hold the experience very close to your heart. As a result, mothers of these tiny babies become worried that many people will act as looky lous -- wanting to see the "differentness" of your newborn, instead of celebrating the miracle of his/her life with you. Further, in an attempt to offer comfort or solace, many people say and do the wrong things.

So, because there are more of these little ones being saved, let me offer some words of advice to those of you who might encounter a mother with a preemie. Please, please do not say -- "It wasn't your fault." Every mother thinks it is her fault and will mull this over and over in her head her entire life. If you say this, you will not comfort her. You will simply cause her to think that maybe you actually think it IS her fault. This is just better left unsaid. Also, telling the parents of a preemie that this is God's will for them is not a good idea. Even if the couple has a good handle on the Plan of Salvation, being told that one of life's hardest trials is God's plan for them -- um, really hard to swallow. It causes questions like, "Why didn't God love me enough to want me to take my baby home." Etc.

Here's a dumb one that I was lucky enough to hear, like 1000 times. "You are just lucky you didn't have to be pregnant for the whole 9 months." When you have a preemie, you mourn your lost pregnancy. You aren't glad that your baby is put inside a plastic isolette with tubes and wires coming out of them at every angle. Your belly aches for them to be inside -- where they could have been safe. But that is no longer your choice.

Some of my favorite, worst comments ever (that were actually all made to me by well-meaning persons) :
1. Sorry we didn't have a baby shower for you. We didn't know if she would live or die.
2. What does she look like? (Not who...what?) My response? Well I didn't give birth to a dolphin, she looks like a small baby...
3. Does she have tons of problems?
4. Do you think she's going to make it?
5. So are you done? (I was 25 when Emma was born -- holy cow, back off!)
6. What did you do to cause that?

Well, there were many more hideous comments, but there were many good comments too. So, here's a few "to do's." Like, it's really appreciated when a baby gift is given. Many people forget to do this with the parents of preemies, but it's a very thoughtful and appreciated gesture. And no, you do not need to get a preemie outfit. In fact, just a newborn size is ok. Preemies grow too. Sometimes mothers of preemies are treated so differently because their baby is not home with them, that niceties like showers are all but forgotten. Especially if the mother is a first time mom, preemie or not -- give her a shower. It will make her feel accepted and loved.

It's okay to ask how the baby is doing. Just ask open ended questions. Try to refrain from casting opinions as to how awful you think it all sounds. Just listen. Don't tell the parents that you are "sorry." Do you tell the parents of healthy, full-term babies that you are "sorry?" A preemie's parents don't want to hear that either. If you are shown pictures of the baby find something positive to say --"wow, look at all that hair," "her eyes look so bright", "she looks so alert", "oh, how cute." Even if you are shocked by the number of tubes and wires, no parent needs to read the shock on your face. Most importantly, treat parents of premature babies the same as you would treat any other new parents. Rejoice in their new arrival and try to ALWAYS remain positive.